I GOT NO TIME FOR THIS

My intentions were to write about the progress on the new house as it happened. I thought that it could be like your real-time window into the soul sucking process that it was and continues to be. However, because it was such an unforeseen pit of despair for my spirit and my wallet, it’s taking me longer than I expected to get the second and third parts of “Home Crap Home” up on the bloggedy-blog.

I’m not even going to mention the hoops that we’re going to have to jump through to get the internet out at this house. All I am going to say is that it’s going to have to be of the satellite variety and cost about five bagillion dollars a month. Every time I turn around, there is someone shaking me down for trash removal, propane or an internet connection and frankly, I'm about thiiiiiiis close to having a major fucking breakdown.

In all seriousness, when I called about setting up trash service, in the first twenty seconds of the conversation I heard the term “waste management” and I knew I was in trouble. I could just picture Adriana from The Sopranos sitting at her desk with her phone nestled under her chin filing her nails as she explained "the fees." See, there is the one time $35 account set up fee, then the charge for the actual can and pick up fee is $25 a month and it’s charged quarterly. Then there is the $3 invoice fee to print the invoice – quarterly. Then, there is the $12 environmental fee – quarterly. After that, I quit listening because in my head I was already making up other stuff like: “Then, there is the paying fee. This is the fee that you pay if you pay by check, cash or credit.” Now keep in mind, this is all in the most horribly offensive, mobbed up Italian accent humanly possible. “Then we have the waste fee, the management fee and the fee to manage the waste fee.” At this point, there would be a sniff. “Also please do not forget that we charge a service fee for our service and if you choose not to use our service we also charge a fee for that.”

So, in addition to the $40 a month to have garbage service, we now have to open a vein to get the Internet. And, there are a shit ton of wasps out there for no apparent reason and they all want to live as close to us as possible. That being said, until I can get the next installment up about the house oddessy, here is a picture of the P, who decided to get sick during the move, by the way. At least she’s still keepin’ it real by rockin' the Snow White shades, which, just as a p.s. I DID NOT buy for her as you all know my policy on Disney.