Wednesday, March 31


It’s been awhile, but give me a break, I’m pregnant and have low to moderate brain functionality right now. While I want to write blog posts, the most I can muster is a sarcastic comment or two from my couch at home, making every evening a little MST3K-ish. So, I figured why not do an entry on the shit movie I just watched if for no other reason than to keep Blogger from deleting my account due to inactivity.

So began the cinematic tour-de-force that was 2012.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know this came out like 6 months ago, but considering that I don’t get out much, I just saw it this past weekend. And all I can say is that I’m glad I didn’t pay $9 to have my eyeballs raped in an actual theater by this movie. If I were seven and reviewing this thing, I would have called it a piece of poo, but I’m not seven, so I’m calling it what it is, a piece of shit. This thing clearly cost a kabillion dollars to make and it sucked. It sucked worse than Day After Tomorrow and their stupid wolves or that thing with Tea Leoni and Morgan Freeman with the gigantic wave. Sadly, with all the CGI and implausibility, neither one of these “blockbusters” can touch the awesome-ness of the 1983 mushroom destruction that was The Day After. Plus it starred the Gutt, so it’s got that going for it.

Mostly after sitting through 2012 I just wanted to have a sit-down with John Cusack and Woody Harrelson. Really? Really, you two? What happened? Did you need some money or what? I know that Woody has pot to buy, so OK, I’ll give him that. But the man was just nominated for an Oscar so he can clearly act, but you wouldn’t have know it from watching this particular movie. And Cusack. Oh, Cusack. I’ve taken it very personal watching Lloyd Dobler (Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd all null and void) slowly kill his career. It started with Pushing Tin and slid into America’s Sweethearts and has sunk to 2012. He's dangerously close to entering Nicholas cage territory here. And, should it bother me so much his character a limo-driving writer that has the mad driving skills of a stunt man? Maybe I just put too much thought into the whole “suspension of disbelieve” thing.

The one thing about bad movies is that it always makes me think “someone wrote this down. It was revised – many times. And then someone was paid to punch it up.” However, thanks to “writers” like Roland Emmerich (who brought us both the Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day) and Jerome Armstrong, I have now cracked their disaster movie code. The equation is something like this (subject to minor changes):

Lovable but aloof loser (hero) + estranged wife + strained relationship with children from aforementioned estranged wife + catastrophic end of world scenario + crazy dude that no one will listen to except for our hero + way too many CGI effects + optional African American/female president + the optional sassy gay comic relief to provide comedy and levity a la Harvey Firestein in Independence Day. = 2012, Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact, Independence Day, Armageddon, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, Twister and War of the Worlds.

I’m telling you, if this is the best that "professionals" have to offer, give me made for Sci-Fi movies like Earthquake 10.5, Category 6 or Atomic Twister. Sure, Mansquito and Supergator are incredibly outrageous and goofy, but they’re supposed to be. But at least my expectations are realistic, because they’re on Sci-Fi for God’s sake.



Kate and Dennis said...

Um, you forgot Dinoshark and Mega Piranha.
And your formula is foolproof.

Whatever and Ever Amen said...

Plus, rumor has it that Sharktopuss is coming soon to Sci-Fi.