Open letter to Zooey Deschanel, Jennifer Lopez, Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, that chick from Gossip Girl and any other actress that tries to make a record;
Please don’t get into a studio and sing into a recording device and then have that “song” distributed in any manner. Just because you happen to be attractive, are able to walk, talk and emote at the same time, doesn’t mean that you can sing. Seriously. No one else is going to tell you this. Not your friends and family and certainly not your "people." That is why I, your judgmental public, am here.
And if my ears are pummeled by that goddamn Zooey Deschanel commercial for Cotton one more time I swear I will wear man made materials for the rest of my life. I guess she thinks that because she sounded OK in a shower scene during Elf that means she should take it public. Hey Zooey, guess what? I sound like fucking Ella Fitzgerald in the shower. But you don’t see me strutting around in vintage clothes singing about the virtues of cotton. Granted, the cotton industry isn’t exactly breaking down my door, but I can’t imagine that you are doing much for sales either.
Jennifer Lopez, well, if I had 28 people writing “Jenny From The Block” with Autotune © on my side, I’d sound pretty hot too. Oh, and pretty, pretty Scarlett. Don't try too hard to be both a mediocre singer AND a mediocre actress. You don't have to be everything to everyone. Slow down. You're only 24... Lindsay, you just stick to being a very good coke head and a very bad driver. And I’m not even sure about this newest entry, ‘cause I don’t watch Gossip Girl, but I am sure she will set the music world aflame with her “music.”
p.s. I am leaving Heidi Montag completely out of this because a) she's a pathetic mouth-breather and a waste of human flesh and b) her only purpose at this point is to take up my air and parking spaces. I hope that she and that douche bag boyfriend of hers with the (let's all say it together, creepy flesh-colored beard), get gonorrhea and die.
Love,
Ashlee
p.s.s.What did I tell you, Scarlett? You just don't listen, do you? And Pete Yorn, what happened? Really!?! I'm so disappointed in you. http://www.thebreakupalbum.com/
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