Friday, June 12

OH FOR F@$K'S SAKE! 6.12.09

I am going to keep this um, as anonymous as humanly possibly. There is a guy, let's call him Ted, who's "helping" us fix some issues with the drug den that we are semi-renovating (not on purpose, I assure you). We still need to install a smoke detector, because the dumbass renters that were in there ripped the old one out of the wall. I can only assume that this was because the battery was low and it began to beep. And beep, and beep. Most normal humans would have just gone and gotten a fucking battery, but remember that while cleaning this house, we've found teeth, so we aren't exactly dealing with Rhodes Scholars. They went to more trouble to get a chair and spend however many minutes prying this thing off the wall than to buy a square battery.

My only consolation is that it was probably like that Friends episode when Phoebe or whoever has the smoke detector that she can't get to stop beeping. Because you know that when they got the thing off the wall, it kept beeping for a while until Oooga Booga caveman figured out that he'd have to take out the battery and remove half of the wall.

So I mentioned to "Ted" that he needed to go and get a replacement for the smoke detector. Of course when I was talking to him, he was on his cell phone, in his car with the window rolled down, you know, whatever makes it harder. Here is how the conversation went:

"You still need to get the smoke detector," I said.
"Don't forget to go and get a new smoke detector," I said, louder.
"Wait, I can't here a thing. Let me roll my window up," Ted said. "Now what do I need to buy?"
I tried to steady my voice and suppress the rage. "A new smoke detector.Go buy."
"Oh, I'm seeing my guy on Friday."
I was confused. "What? Can't you just go to Home Depot?"
"No, I can get that for you on Friday, that's when I'm seeing my guy," Ted said.
That's when it dawned on me. Ted thought that I was talking in code. Ted thought that I wanted to buy weed. I scrambled. I wanted to clear this up as fast as possible, not only was I on my cell phone, but I was at work.
"No, no! I mean I really need a smoke detector! You know, fire, beep, beep!" I said.
Ted finally seemed to grasp what I was saying and told me to "just keep reminding him to get it." I could hear that Ted had rolled his car window back down, but before I got off the phone I decided to take a chance and mention that there was still a load of junk that needed to go to the dump.
I told Ted, "Hey do you think that you could take that stuff to the dump today?"
He said "I told you, I'm seeing my guy on Friday!"
This house is never going to be ready.